Insomniac B.S.

I swear to god if this actually get published anywhere I am ashamed of my entire profession. 

I get the “why don’t you model anymore” thing a lot. I stopped doing this actively a few years ago probably. I only worked with photographers who compensated me fairly and I built great working relationships with over the years. Basically, I lost interest in most things I used to do. I was very spiritually and emotionally empty. I sometimes miss dominatrix work because I am lazy and having someone clean my apartment for free while I worked on my dissertation was awesome. But I sort of always got paid to promote projects or look or behave a certain way (I also worked in promo.) I was paid well but I hated it. I was living out someone else’s fantasy and not my own reality. I would get paid work I enjoyed at times. Not often enough. But I wasn’t really fulfilled, or satisfied because I took the easy way out, or confused money/materialism with actual soul. I am not doing this anymore. It is really fucking hard sometimes. But when I feel more productive, it’s worth it.

It’s interesting how “stream of consciousness” is considered an actual “thing”.  People are such manipulative bastards. When I talk without thinking it more accurately represents word vomit or verbal diarrhea. But I mean, go you deceiving hipster wordsmiths and try to pawn this off as being deep XD To be fair, this is kind of what I love about modern art, or why I did a Poppy parody as a first video youtube video. Anything that is popular interests me. Especially things I may not find personally interesting because its like, what is the attraction here? There is an appeal in mindless consumerism. Its pure escapism whether its poppy buckling her shoes or discussing how to load a gun or simply eating cotton candy in a slightly ominous fashion.

I like Titanic Sinclair/Mars Argo/Poppy as a project as the notoriety it is gaining  kind of feels like the Andy Warhol of this generation. I think Andy Warhol was a douchebag personally (poor Edie) but that doesn’t mean I can’t respect his contributions to the art world, or the fact he created a “Modern Art Movement”.  I personally hate most modern art when looking for depth, but sometimes you just crave that comfort of a can of soup or a pretty generic blonde going on about junk food. And I personally believe it is possible to separate the promoter from the product if that makes sense. 

I saw an ALB video tonight about cognitive dissonance about how your brain can be at war with two notions. You can find it here:

 

The way I see it is: I get depressed a lot. Anything that I enjoy I am going to take at face value because you know what I am also prone to? Obsessive compulsive behavior. Before the addiction it was anorexia. It was always something. I had to be vegan, totally pure. After I was abused I rebelled and no one really understood. Least of all me.

Now I am trying to get my life back on track and there is one awesome thing creating this alter ego for youtube taught me: You literally have to give 0 shits. The internet can be more savage than life, I mean I didn’t actually think Donald’s trump tweet could possibly be any more horrifyingly atrocious as portrayed until I read it. (My red button is bigger and more powerful than your red button! And it actually works! I mean World Leaders are literally having a Captain Subtext conversation about their penis performance anxiety, but I would  just really much prefer if these buffoons did not lead to a Nuclear War via Twitter.)

http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/03/politics/trump-nuclear-authority/index.html

….and people think I am mental.

“How do you document real life when real life’s getting more like fiction each day? Headlines, deadlines blow my mind and now this deadline eviction or pay” -RENT

So what do you do when reality is basically an episode of South Park, and you decide yes let’s skip the Obama administration completely because you were off in Europe getting trashed/abusive ex relationship toxicity cycle and now you come to your senses but have to deal with rape headlines and Donald Trump everywhere. Everything is triggering when you come back from a relapse, or from a long period of blocking out feelings and emotion. But  people need to face their shit in order to not stunt their growth, no matter how painful it can feel in a present moment. Healing is painful. And some people see when your hope has returned and they have no control or power over you, and they become nasty or maybe this is who they have always been, but for once you are different and made a conscious choice to not tolerate what you feel uncomfortable with. Setting boundaries can be very hard, especially is you are naturally shy and would rather avoid confrontation. But this is honestly the most important and valuable lesson I feel everyone needs to learn in order to truly lead a healthier and emotionally rich life. Learning how to communicate and being honest are key: you really are only as sick as your secrets. 

Its strange. People talk behind my back about my recovery when I say it to their face. I think it’s that trying-to-meet healthier people too thing, which I have not quite mastered the art of yet. But I don’t know many people in Jersey. My friends in London  did actually see, they really cared….they just felt as powerless as me at the time.

I guess some people in life are frightened when others drop the bullshit and are just like “yeah, I fucked up, but I am being honest about it and doing this to improve the situation.”

This is literally just word vomit, but I mean I guess that our gentrified society has deemed that a “stream of consciousness” has a nicer ring to it. Narcissistic controlling bugger/genius’s, humankind can be. Especially writers 😛 

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